>How do you get two piccolos to play in unison? Shoot one.
>Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Double Reed Jokes
>Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer.
>What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire.
>What is the definition of a half step? Two oboes playing in unison.
>What is the definition of a major second? Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
>How do you get an oboist to play A flat? Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
>Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
>What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A bad oboist can kill you.
>How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
>What's the definition of "nerd?" Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
>What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
>You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
>How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
>What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
- Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
- The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
- The grip.
>The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
>Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.